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Who’s The Aunty Killer Now?

May 2nd, 2007 | By | Category: Personal Stories, Romance

I have a dubious gift. I attract older women.

(Before I continue, I must warn you that this post may offend you. If you are one of the women in question here, an “aunty” … or an aspiring aunty-killer, this article will probably offend you”)

Now now, I know what many desperate men reading this blog are thinking (“wowie! you know how to get hot older women?”) and what you want me to do (“close the deal brother!”) … but allow me to explain myself for a moment first.

What is an “Aunty Killer”?

The term “aunty killer” was coined by my good friend Eric, who is great at chatting up aunties at Old Cheng Kee who give him free curry puffs.

My aunties are different. They’re usually hot. Successful. And quite a catch.

Although I call them “aunties”, they are actually relatively attractive women who are in the mid 30s or early 40s.

And for the past two years, every few months I’ve had a new aunty stalker.

What? You missed the use of the word “stalker”? No worries, I’ll explain …

… “Stalker Aunties”?

Somehow most women I attract have a habit of becoming very clingy when in my charm (yes, I know I’m oozing with humility here :P )

And the aunties I attract are no different.

For example, there was one in her late 30s a few years ago … who found so much in common with me, that she chose to write long passionate emails to me … (my first experience, freaked me out)

There was another one in her late 40s (I think) … who is an amazing woman and loves being hypnotized by my voice. Thankfully, she’s now out of my spell and comfortably in my friend circle …

And then there was Powder

Yeah, Powder isn’t her real name.

But she puts so much powder on her face that it makes her look 10 years older. So, I’m gonna go ahead and call her powder.

Powder is a recent addition to my list … she was the weirdest of all. Like most of them, she is cute, successful … and it took less than usual for her to become obsessed with me.

I mean, usually I spend time with the ladies … several days at-least … before they find the spark within me.

This one took just one evening. We had one decent conversation one night (albeit an emotional one, where I convinced her to get in touch with her emotions … during a serious life coaching session).

After that, she was hooked! We didn’t even speak much … she usually looked away when I was around … I occasionally passed by her and passed smart-ass comments.

But apparently … Powder was already in love with me!

First, my girlfriend wasn’t too happy with this fact. In fact, she got ultra pissed when I would mention my troubles with Powder in our private time (insisting that I deal with other women on my own time … point taken darling).

Second, being an aunty-killer isn’t all fun & games (oh, actually it is). What I forgot to mention is that it requires many complicated yoga exercises and studying the ancient art of the great japanese seducer batouaa (roughly translated into english, his name is master bator)

Anyway, back to the main event … Powder was already smitten by me.

(to be perfectly fair, love comes in all shapes in sizes. Perhaps hers was a sisterly kind of love. But for the purpose of creating a crappy, interesting article that gets read a lot, let’s assuming it was the sleazy, carnal kind of love).

At this point, my skeptic female friends would say … “Says who? Your ego is too big, you’re imagining this”

To which I say “humbug!”. Here’s the proof I’m not imagining all of this up …

Some snippets from SMS’s (yes, from an aunty stalker)

Ok, to give you an example of the messages I’ve received … I’m including some snippets below.

(Keep in mind that I’ve been quite nice and haven’t discouraged the behaviour … but since I love making my life seem so exciting, I’ll reproduce them anyway).

So, here are some messages from her …

“… I miss you already …”

“… why do I keep remembering you …”

“… I think I love you …”

“… I will not let your charm get to me …”

“… you’re a charmer who’s figured out how to steal hearts…”

“… I have to give it to you for disarming me …”

“… I think I’ve fallen in love with you and it’s going to take me a long time to get over you …”

“… did you use speed seduction on me? I promise I won’t hold it against you …”

Et cetera, et cetera

So, what was the point of this post?

Nothing really.

Maybe I wanted to boast about my aunty-charming skills (although this email will results in several aunties sms’ing me angrily).

Maybe this was just bugging me for the last few weeks and I needed to get it off my chest.

But mostly because I haven’t posted any spicy stuff on the blog for a while … and I know you guys deserve a naughty treat ;)

So, be a good little person and leave comments ok?

12 comments
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  1. Aunty killer eh?? Maybe cuz u ooze the uncle (ah pek) charm.. hehe

  2. Dude…bet you feel good about all of this right?

    KuKu Bird felt good about it until I told him about YOUR experience. (he had a similar experience).

    I can’t wait until you become a ‘Grandme Killer’! That i’m looking forward to.

  3. thank you rachit. thank you so much. this post makes me happy. how can i be like you? how can i be an aunty killer. teach me. please.

  4. eStee, Appreciate the “ah pek” input … but i usually wear a suit/sports jacket … shouldn’t the effect wear off on pretty younger things too ;)

    Arpit, Dave … I’ll be taking you guys under my wing.

    We’ll take up the PUAA (Pick Up AUNTY Artist) lifestyle, do magic shows at all aunty hangouts in the city – from neighbourhood community centres to hep California Fitness centres. Then we will document our lifestyle into a book called the “MISERY METHOD” and teach young AK (aunty killer) wannabees around the world! Yahooooooo …….

  5. Hey Rachit,

    stop abusing your powers!!!
    hahaha, you auntie killer!
    muahahahhaha…

    Cheers,
    MingChern

  6. Hi Ra,

    Oh me me too, another one aunty kill here by your seduction all the time, Yes!!! stab me, keep on stabbing me, more, please. Let me feel your warmness on me, inside. hug me(did you?) LOL.

  7. Haha … Don’t worry … as you all think about my eyes and how it is so relaxing to look DEEP INSIDE and just FEEL, oh so GOOD about it …

    Just LET YOUR INHIBITIONS GO … and let aunties and not-yet-aunties get seduced by killers and wannabes, all get along in a fantasy adventure of blue ocean-like party – such an ORGYnizational ADVENTURE …

    Hehe, my dear aunty – Powder – messaged me. Apparently, this post hurt her … sigh … it’s all your (you readers’) fault. You make me wanna spill my dirty secrets online ;)

    I’m currently in a remote hill resort somewhere in India. There are no roads that lead here (we got here by a four-wheel-jeep), but I can still access country-wide wireless Internet … aah, the magic of technology

  8. Yo man..

    I’m proud of you being an aunty killer. Funny post and you made my day.

    Hope you could sharpen your killing skill further in India and remember to share a FEW with me next time, ok? Haha..

  9. Hey Rachit

    Wow oozing charm huh kekeke…. her sms messages makes me laugh wow kinda mushy hahah…:)

  10. Did you kill me???

    I always feel I’m only 20 with you around. Shit! this post make me feel antie…

  11. Hello Rach.

    Wah! Wah! Woo… It takes lots of pride & trust to let ur gf know abt ur “aunty killer” issue…
    For that, I can totally understd ur position. Haha.. Mayb can consider such issues as calculated risks be4 u do any life-coaching session wif “aunties” :P

    As for ur gf (she calls me mummy rite.. then wat shld u call me har? :P ) just allow her to have ve emotions when being wif u ya. Let tis relaltionship go deeper & firmer. Most impt of all, both of u hv to enjoy e moments of being together (in pte, public, watever.. hee) Actually I’m very such u know wat to do… Mayb tis is more useful for her. hee… :D

  12. I have been in a similar boat, the flip side being not being able to hit on the young women
    very well ( in my case… lol :P )
    and frankly i think older women can open their hearts to anyone willing to listen to them
    since they have so few listening to them to begin with

    my take is to limit the age of women u hit on conciously to around 30 no matter how old you are …
    may be i am delusional.. but thats wht i am
    Ahem !

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