Who’s The Aunty Killer Now?May 2nd, 2007 | By Rachit Dayal | Category: Personal Stories, Romance
I have a dubious gift. I attract older women.
(Before I continue, I must warn you that this post may offend you. If you are one of the women in question here, an “aunty” … or an aspiring aunty-killer, this article will probably offend you”)
Now now, I know what many desperate men reading this blog are thinking (“wowie! you know how to get hot older women?”) and what you want me to do (“close the deal brother!”) … but allow me to explain myself for a moment first.
What is an “Aunty Killer”?
The term “aunty killer” was coined by my good friend Eric, who is great at chatting up aunties at Old Cheng Kee who give him free curry puffs.
My aunties are different. They’re usually hot. Successful. And quite a catch.
Although I call them “aunties”, they are actually relatively attractive women who are in the mid 30s or early 40s.
And for the past two years, every few months I’ve had a new aunty stalker.
What? You missed the use of the word “stalker”? No worries, I’ll explain …
… “Stalker Aunties”?
Somehow most women I attract have a habit of becoming very clingy when in my charm (yes, I know I’m oozing with humility here )
And the aunties I attract are no different.
For example, there was one in her late 30s a few years ago … who found so much in common with me, that she chose to write long passionate emails to me … (my first experience, freaked me out)
There was another one in her late 40s (I think) … who is an amazing woman and loves being hypnotized by my voice. Thankfully, she’s now out of my spell and comfortably in my friend circle …
And then there was Powder …
Yeah, Powder isn’t her real name.
But she puts so much powder on her face that it makes her look 10 years older. So, I’m gonna go ahead and call her powder.
Powder is a recent addition to my list … she was the weirdest of all. Like most of them, she is cute, successful … and it took less than usual for her to become obsessed with me.
I mean, usually I spend time with the ladies … several days at-least … before they find the spark within me.
This one took just one evening. We had one decent conversation one night (albeit an emotional one, where I convinced her to get in touch with her emotions … during a serious life coaching session).
After that, she was hooked! We didn’t even speak much … she usually looked away when I was around … I occasionally passed by her and passed smart-ass comments.
But apparently … Powder was already in love with me!
First, my girlfriend wasn’t too happy with this fact. In fact, she got ultra pissed when I would mention my troubles with Powder in our private time (insisting that I deal with other women on my own time … point taken darling).
Second, being an aunty-killer isn’t all fun & games (oh, actually it is). What I forgot to mention is that it requires many complicated yoga exercises and studying the ancient art of the great japanese seducer batouaa (roughly translated into english, his name is master bator)
Anyway, back to the main event … Powder was already smitten by me.
(to be perfectly fair, love comes in all shapes in sizes. Perhaps hers was a sisterly kind of love. But for the purpose of creating a crappy, interesting article that gets read a lot, let’s assuming it was the sleazy, carnal kind of love).
At this point, my skeptic female friends would say … “Says who? Your ego is too big, you’re imagining this”
To which I say “humbug!”. Here’s the proof I’m not imagining all of this up …
Some snippets from SMS’s (yes, from an aunty stalker)
Ok, to give you an example of the messages I’ve received … I’m including some snippets below.
(Keep in mind that I’ve been quite nice and haven’t discouraged the behaviour … but since I love making my life seem so exciting, I’ll reproduce them anyway).
So, here are some messages from her …
“… I miss you already …”
“… why do I keep remembering you …”
“… I think I love you …”
“… I will not let your charm get to me …”
“… you’re a charmer who’s figured out how to steal hearts…”
“… I have to give it to you for disarming me …”
“… I think I’ve fallen in love with you and it’s going to take me a long time to get over you …”
“… did you use speed seduction on me? I promise I won’t hold it against you …”
Et cetera, et cetera
So, what was the point of this post?
Maybe I wanted to boast about my aunty-charming skills (although this email will results in several aunties sms’ing me angrily).
Maybe this was just bugging me for the last few weeks and I needed to get it off my chest.
But mostly because I haven’t posted any spicy stuff on the blog for a while … and I know you guys deserve a naughty treat
So, be a good little person and leave comments ok?